Horror-scope September 2007

The stargazers have been examining the alignments yet again and the verdicts are in. The future looks bad for you. There is no way you can get around it, you are in for a surprise that is nasty. You had best check to see what horrible and disgusting events are destined to befall you.

Aries the Ram
You have always worked towards the greater good. This is a noble cause and people respect you for your efforts. The greater good now requires you to die in a horrifically painful manner. Don’t be a pansy, face the challenge head on and ask a close friend to take a sledge hammer to your head.

Taurus the Bull
It is time to make a stand. You have been allowing yourself to be controlled by your emotions for too long. You need to change this so that you can make clearer decisions about your life. Science tells us that it is the amygdalae in the brain which are responsible for the emotional burden which you bear. An ordinary power drill should be capable of disabling this area and providing you with the emotional freedom that you need.

Gemini the Twins
Girls should be advised that Johnny Depp is NOT going to show up on your doorstep and sweep you off your feet.  Just deal with it.  Males, however, will recieve an extremely pleasant visit from Jessica Alba.  First and foremost, stay away from ladders, wear a hard-hat for twenty-four hours and go to your local supermarket to buy laxatives.  Jessica Alba should be in the same aisle.  Please make sure your housemate is not a Cancer before taking her home.

Cancer the Crab
According to the linear positions of the moons Rhea and Phobos, calamity is heading your way in the form of an unwanted house guest.  Therefore it would be well advised to steal a shotgun from the nearest farmer in your vicinity and use it to valiantly defend your home from intruders.  Be sure to shoot everyone who comes within a metre of your lawn, including your housemate, relative, spouse or any other living visitors.  Then sprinkle their blood over your doorstep and hide the body in your back yard.  The blood will protect your home from meteorites.

Leo the Lion
Boldness is in and humility is out. Try to redefine the relationships in your life on your terms. Your closest friend is a plotting a murder suicide so it might be a good idea to tread carefully with them. There is a strong likely hood that you will be swept from power by a strong and forceful woman.

Virgo the Virgin
A colourful character will release you from years of sexual frustration in a night of lurid obscenity. This brief encounter will leave you literally itching for more as a STI ravages your previously good health. Remember that when you are dressing to go out the colours red and green should never be seen unless there is something in between.

Libra the Scales
Your life lacks balance. You need to readjust your priorities and find new outlets. There is much more to life than World of Warcraft. Unless you change your ways you will inevitably die of hunger simply because you have forgotten to eat.

Scorpio the Scorpion
Your life has meaning and purpose, at least that is what you tell yourself. Don’t give up hope there must be someone out there who agrees with you. Cavies make great pets for people who enjoy the thrills of filthy cages and feed bowls.

Sagittarius the Archer
Ultimate Frisbee isn’t a real sport it will never be played in the Olympics and no multinational corporation is going to sponsor you, no matter how badly you want to sell out. Accepting this will help you to redirect your life in more worthwhile directions.

Capricorn the Goat
All the people on your ‘Myspace friends list’ only added you out of pity. The pointless bulletins that publish every 15 minutes might amuse you but they have driven others towards contemplating physically harming you. Delete your Myspace account before it is too late. 

Aquarius the Water Bearer
You came to university because you wanted to achieve something. Congratulations your tutors all hate you and the lecturer despises your constant questioning, which inevitably detract from the lectures theme. Stick with it, not many people could have  achieved all this in such a short period of time.

Pisces the Fish
You are a bitter, terrible excuse for a human being and will probably go to hell.  But don't let this get you down!  The stars say that the time is right to rob a bank.  According to the linear positions of Earth's moon and Saturn, the only weapon you should bring to the bank is a herring.