Conspiracy Theory of the Week

Santa Clause is living as a Bum collecting cans to pay for all the presents he delivers.

It may be just me but I have been noticing a distinct lack of presents under what passes for a Christmas tree in my dingy little flat. Being the inquisitive and greedy little tyke I am I decided to research into this and see what I could see. What I discovered was a sad and sorry tale with only the slightest glimmer of hope. As it turns out Santa was going strong until the early 90’s when there was a bit of a scandal about ol’ Saint Nick, a telefraud scam and insider trading. That was all hushed up and the jolly fat man managed to get out of some hefty prison time by trading his considerable wealth for the tasty mince pie known as freedom. Essentially bankrupted, Santa started a terrible downward spiral. Though few actually noticed the signs, he began heavily relying on the drink. It got to such a point that one time, in a drunken sleigh ride, Santa hit a small child playing in the snow. Luckily the young girl wasn’t seriously injured but this marked another dark time in the Kris Kringle’s usually spotless career. As a result of this incident Santa had his reindeer impounded by the local authorities. This also was the last straw for Mary Christmas, Santa’s long-suffering wife. She packed up their 347 adopted elf children and moved in with her new beau, the Easter bunny, until the messy divorce proceedings could begin.

Things just kept getting worse and worse for Saint Nick until one day he woke up in a gutter, reeking of yak urine and martini olives (at this point not being able to afford martinis any more) and decided to do something about it. He got up, brushed the worst of the filth off, stole a trolley from the nearest Coles and started collecting as many cans and bottles as he could. It has taken him many years but he has now reinstated himself into the hearts and lives of children everywhere. Well at least three blocks of apartments in the western districts of Sydney. He hopes that in a couple of years to have all of Sydney under his jurisdiction as well as the outlying suburbs and is confidant he can be up and running and delivering presents Australia wide again by 2009.

The question I ask you, my favoured skeptics and disbelievers, is would you trust this man to climb down your chimney? And what should occur if someone foolish leaves out some sherry and Santa goes back down his dark road of alcohol abuse? I am all for the rehabilitation of religious holidays but how far can our trust really stretch for Saint Nick, after all this isn’t some Disney movie where happy endings abound. It may just be my twisted mind but I have the feeling we will be seeing more of Santa in an upcoming episode of Judge Judy where someone is accusing Santa of theiving a VCR and some CDs.

This article is a reproduction of an Empire Times article that was published in 2004. This article is published under the understanding that all Empire times articles may be reproduced if properly credited. We consider this to be proper credit.