Horror-Scope for March 2007.

The alignment of the celestial objects in this month makes the divination of the future particularly difficult, although all signs indicate that despair, pain and suffering await nearly all. Don’t let this uncertain doom get you down, your friends (if you have any) will be in the same boat and will most likely need someone to sponge off.

Aries the Ram

Your elemental symbol is fire and it is no coincidence that fire shall feature heavily in your life for the immediate future. Be sure to ensure your home and contents insurance is up to date, you will be needing it. Towards the end of the month you shall feel a profound sense of loss after your eyebrows are removed in an unfortunate accident involving kerosene, matches and alcohol.

Taurus the Bull

It is suggested that you seek protection in a witness relocation program. Bubba “the knife” knows you spilt the beans on him and he has put a price on your head. Your share portfolio will perform well in the upcoming quarter, although the profits you make will not be enough to cover your gambling debts.

Gemini the Twins

You will find enlightenment in the most unlikely of situations. Be sure to look left and right when crossing busy roads. It’s not imagination, someone is out to get you. A freakish accident with a stapler will provide you with an interesting conversation starter  but will also ensure that you will have no more children.

Cancer the Crab

You will be receiving fortuitous news via an email from a pair of Nigerian businessmen, be sure to capitalise on this unique opportunity. Don’t be discouraged by your previous disappointments, you will handle future failure easier with practise. Now would a good time to tell your life coach to get a real job. (if you don’t yet have a life coach be sure to hire one prior to firing them)

Leo the Lion

17, 24, 39, 31, 43 and 32 are all numbers that are lucky for you but will win you nothing at all in Powerball, this however will not stop you from spending a large portion of the rent money on easipicks. The sudden onset of a mysterious fungal infection shall cause you to contemplate the value of life. 

Virgo the Virgin

Your lack of friends will cause you much angst over the following weeks. Don’t despair, one day you will find a person as socially incompetent as yourself. Until then take joy in small things, such ascollecting dead flies, building your myspace page and exposing yourself at the local park.   

Libra the Scales

An fortunate accident with a pool table will cause you to be sucked through a portal to an alternative universe in which you are a tool and no-one likes you. Doomed to spend your life in isolation you will develop a deep hatred of humankind. After years of tolerating this miserable existence you will succumb to the voices in your head and get breast augmentation.

Scorpio the Scorpion

Your insatiable desire to become the first cloned human shall constantly occupy your thoughts. Your efforts to fulfils this simple wish shall be repeatedly thwarted by federal parliament. Your attempts to draw attention to your cause by walking backwards to Canberra shall end disastrously when someone kneels down in your path. Don't worry though people will one day fear you and your clone army.     

Sagittarius the Archer

Now would be a good time to put your plans for world domination into action. People are beginning to question the legitimacy of America’s dominance and are looking to new leadership. You should act now before China rises to supremacy, mobilise your economy and begin producing those weapons of mass destruction. Be sure to appoint your friends and familiy memebrs as generals, families that conquer together, stay together.

Capricorn the Goat

Your daring attempt to stay out past your curfew shall end in your parents grounding you to the basement for a week. During your grounding your partner shall develop their "friendship"  with your best-friend to a new level. Your parents shall repeatedly forget to put your food through the little slot in the door. Try to refrain from slaughtering them with the hedge trimmer once you are liberated.

Aquarius the Water Bearer

Medial and mundane tasks shall occupy you from dawn to dusk. Don’t bother hoping for a change of scenery, it’s not going to happen. Your life is boring because you are boring. You have the personality of a piece of toast, once you learn to accept this you will attain a higher level of fulfilment.

Pisces the Fish

Your expressive poems to your beloved shall be recited to a chorus of laughs. You shall fail in all that you attempt in this months therefore you would be best not to embark on any grand endeavours. In short you suck and there is nothing you can do about it.