AQUARIUS:  Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 
                You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
                progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand,
                you are inclined to be careless and impractable,
                causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
                Everyone thinks you are stupid.
PISCES:   Feb. 20 - Mar. 20
                You have a vivid imagination and often think you are
                being followed by the CIA & FBI. You have minor
                influence over your associates and people resent you
                for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are
                generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
ARIES:    Mar. 21 - Apr. 20
                You are the pioneer type and hold most people in
                contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and
                scornful of advice. You are a real prick.
TAURUS:   Apr. 21 - May 21
                You are practical and persistant. You have a dogged
                determination and work like hell. Most people think
                you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but
                a goddamned communist.
GEMINI:   May 22 - June 21
                You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like
                you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined
                to expect too much for too little. This means you are
                cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER:   June 22 - July 23
                You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples
                problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always
                putting things off and that's why you will always be
                on welfare and never worth a shit.
LEO:      July 24 - Aug. 23
                You consider yourself a born leader while others think
                you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and
                cannot tolerate honest criticism. This arrogence is
                disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
VIRGO:    Aug. 24 - Sept. 23
                You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking
                is sickening to your few friends. You are cold and un-
                emotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos
                make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA:    Sept. 24 - Oct.23
                You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
                reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely to be
                queer. Changes of employment and monetary gains are
                excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores. All
                Libras are carriers of venerial disease.
SCORPIO: Oct. 24 - Nov. 22
                You are shrewed in business and cannot be trusted. You
                achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
                lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
                Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS:  Nov. 23 - Dec. 21
                You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
                tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The
                majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends.
                People laugh at you a great deal because you are always
                getting fucked.
CAPRICORN:  Dec. 22 - Jan. 20
                You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You
                don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never
                been an individual Capricorn of any particular importance.
                Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods
                of time as they tend to attract pidgeons.